The Blog of drumsong

The three basic tenets of reality.  Paradox, humor, and change. 

In all my changing, in all my facing the paradox of my life thus far, I'd lost track of the Humor.  I had, in many ways, become too "seriously interested" is the outcome of various aspects of my life, and converging at once. 

I have an exam coming up at work, which will be important for my career.  I have a limited time to resolve issues before fully embarking myself into a new relationship.  I am trying hard to improve my physical condition.  All of these things I've been taking very, very seriously. 

But, let's look at them again, in slow motion. 

The material for the exam is stuff I know.  I need only a little review to lock it down.  And worst case, should I miss it... it's three months to retake it.  So, all in all, it's not "that" important, just accelerates things slightly.

My physical condition, so long as it does not degrade, does not necessarily need to improve further any faster than it will. 

My relationship is with an incredible woman, who loves me dearly.  I don't have to put any external pressure on that- in fact, excerting any external pressure will only complicate matters.  She loves me.  I love her.  It's really that simple, so long as I let it be.

Perspective is a funny thing.  Most people never have it, at all, in their lives.  I have... but I often loose it.  I allow myself illusions, and that's a very, very bad habit.  It robs me of that perspective.   

Back to little things. Back to laughter.  Back to relaxing, and letting go. 

In other news, Bruins beat the Blackhawks in a shootout win, 2-1

Rarely do I get two days off in a row.  That's retail for ya.  Although when I had recently, I've noticed a trend.  My first day off is generally blissful:  I do something incredible, the day works well, and it's a rocket ride until I finally drift off.  The second day, well, it crashes.  I become depressed, dejected, and generally unable to function.

This is, actually a fairly new developement.  However, it's merely a symptom of something I've done for years. 

I put too much pressure on things.  I'm competitive by nature, and sometimes apprantly I loose track of just how competitive I can be.  I love that challenge, that thrill, that rush of not only "doing", but "doing better."  Because of this constant striving, I subconsciously apply pressure to many aspects of my life-  my recreation, my hobbies, my relationships.  And yes, now, my days off.

It's one thing to strive, it's another to do it to the point that the things you're striving for become unenjoyable.  A great day off.  I have one.  Then, unfortunately for me and Day Number Two, I apply the pressure of making it "top" the first one.  When it doesn't/I cant, I feel as if it was a waste, a failure.  I need to just lean back, relax, and take each day as it comes- in both directions instead of just one. 

I think it might be time for a little Marley on the musicplayer... 

So, had an awesome day yesterday.

Hung out with IDM, we went to a couple metaphysical shops, got a little "skin time"  (it's a drumming reference, you perverts! ::LOL::  ) , met some new people, picked up a birthday present for Drumbear (as well as some sage and sweetgrass for me, and a really unique new crystal), ate something incredibly decadent (fried oreos...  that was SOOOO  good!)  and just generally had an awesome time.

After that, since our original plan for the evening went belly up, I "forced" IDM to come hang out with some friends of mine, including Drumbear and Darquewolf.  Yay mini-EP gather!  Couple hours of swapping stories, discussing recipes, housecleaning, some minor handyman stuff (what, you mean everyone doesn't hang cabinets and coat racks for their friends when they visit?), and a handful of back adjustments (which is really just an excuse to get my hands all over three lovely ladies... it's all about me ::grinz:: ).

Two of our friends I don't get to see quite enough were there too... they just started tdating, and I think they're a great match for each other.  He'll make sure she's always laughing, and she'll make sure he stays out of major trouble at least. They're obviously still in the infatuation/early stages of their whole thing:  he's nervous as hell, and she's totally smitten.  It was the little things that made it fun to watch (it's always the little things)...  The way she sat angle to always keep him in her field of view, when they were sitting holding hands, her fingers would start and stop tracing patterns on his arm when he started and stopped speaking, the slight blush each one got anytime the other mentioned their name- or one of us said a lewd comment about them (certainly not me, no, never...  ::LOL:: ). Yeah, I'd like to have that again... but I'm happy for both of them that they have what they do. 

Nice ride back home with IDM in the rocketcar, discussing all sorts of things best kept private, somehow getting home a bit quicker than the directions said we shoud (can't imagine how THAT happens...), and topped off with a nice brief conversation with a long-distance friend before drifting off to sleep.

Not a bad way to spend 12 hours.  Not bad at all.

So, I was flipping through You-Tube hitting up some of my favorite videos (why try and be productive on my day off?) and I realized a common theme in a lot of my musical choices from my "romantically formative years,"  like when I was 15-18 or so.   All of my favorite songs were heavy metal power ballads.  I mean, really, that HAD to have some form of effect on shaping my outlook on romance and relationships, right? 

Mr Big- Just take my heart. 

Poison- Every Rose has it’s thorn. 

Kiss- I still love you.

Blue Murder- Jellyroll

Bon Jovi- Bed of Roses

Bon Jovi- Living on a Prayer

Damn Yankees- High Enough

Alice Cooper- Hell is living without you.

Lita Ford & Ozzy- Close your eyes.

Metloaf -um pretty much all of them…

Queen – one year of love

Queensryche- Another Rainy Night

Queensryche- Hand on Heart

Van Halen- When it’s love

Van Halen- Why can’t this be love?

Warrant- Bed of Roses

Warrant- Blind Faith

White Lion- Wait

Whitesnake- um, all of them. 

Now, there's obviously a couple on the flip side of that as well, where things don't end happily ever after...  but the number is very, very small-

Cinderella- Nobody’s fool

Dokken- Heaven Sent

Queensryche- I don’t believe in love

Stabbing Westward (everything)

But even there, there's no GOOD relationships, just people knowing when to leave, or wishing it hadn't ended. (Side rant, whoever took a wonderful thing like Stabbing Westward and neutered it into Emo really, REALLY needs to be stabbed.  and preferably while facing westward.) 

Part of the problem is, I guess, my own little variation on "sitcom mentality."  I hold fast to the beleif that no matter how bad a relationship gets, no matter how painful the situation becomes, after a quick guitar solo and a shot of the frontman standing out in the rain that everything will be alright. 

There was a time a few years ago, that I almost left my last relationship.  I was finally tired of all the work it took just to keep Her sane, the amount of energy I was piling into the relationship, and the total lack of appreciation I was getting from it. 

I was looking for  a sign to stay or to go, and I came across an old necklace of mine-  I bought it a decade ago now, and I always seem to "loose  it", only to have it turn up years later in some other box or drawer.  It's a brass etching of the Hanged Man tarot card. 

I was speaking to my friend, Daralaassia on here, at that time about my concerns in the relationship, and about finding the necklace again.  That card has always held a special meaning for me-  I don't do Tarot, but it has shown up many times in my life.  And, at the time, I completely misunderstood what the message was.  I focused far too hard on the "sacrifice" aspect:  the idea that with continued work, continued toil, more "hanging in there", that the situation could, in fact, be repaired and resolved.  The one committed enough to an ideal to die for it.  And just like that, I missed the message. 

The sacrifice was not work, it was surrendering.  It was letting go, not trying to force things that could not be, or should not be.  Accepting fate, accepting what is beyond my control or even just outside of my concern, rather than pushing against it. 

It's a problem I sometimes have in my work.  That knight in shininig armor. I take on responsibilities that aren't mine, and try to fix things I'm not supposed to fix- especially for people I care about.  I recently took a HUGE risk, trying to avert an injury to someone I care about, an injury that would have broken them (and left them open to more learning of course), because I felt that if it could be avoided, they could learn the lessons needed without the injury.  I'm not sre how much of it was changed, only time will show... but the fallout from that act continues.  

I thought I had learend to let go, and in a way I had.  I know I had only learned to let of of each thing individually....  which is a little bit different than letting go of everything.  I'm probably not there just yet... but I know I'm not "definitely" there, so that's a step towards righting it again.    

A friend of mine "needed" my help this morning with a project.  Instead of distracting myself from what I was doing and solving her problems- a common occurance, I refused, and let her find her own answers.  Which she did.  

One step at a time. 

Dara, can you come cut me down from this damned tree already?

I do, but not the way most people would think. 

You'd expect that I'd look to find faults and flaws in people, and once finding them, would use them as reasons to turn them away, right?  Nope, not me.  I look for flaws and faults, and I fucking fall in love with them.  Stupid overly developed romantic complex. 

It's strange....  I don't necessarily do it to "fix them."  Granted, that seems to be the reason a lot of times, but that's more of a justification.  I don't do it to be used or taken advantage of by them- not on a conscious level, my self esteem is far too healthy for that. 

I'm really not even entirely sure what it is.  But it's definitely there.   And it doesn't have to be a problem in/with her, it just has to be a stumbling block for the relationsh itself.  Money issues. Distance issues. A hang-around ex. SOMETHING.  Always something to satyisfy that overt over-developed romantinc need to "overcome"....  and it never overcomes. 

     So, every week since the breakup, I've sent Her an email asking Her when we can get together to go through our stuff, and giving Her which days that don't conflict with Her work schedule are good for me.  Every week, she has never once replied.  

     This week, there simply wasn't any good time.  She works mon-wed nights, I closed Thurs, had a date Fri, was supposed to close tonight (last minute schedule changes had me opening instead), and hanging out with the guys from work watching the Phillies game tomorrow night.  So, I didn't bother sending an email that She wasn't going to respond to anyway that was simply going to say "Sorry, don't have the time."

     So, She calls my sister, and asks my sister to call me to see if I can come over to go through things tonight.  So, after weeks of no response, you suddenly want to resolve five years worth of communal property... at 9 pm at night... and want it so badly that you don't email me or call me, you have my sister do it... 

So, I spent this morning getting everything ready.  Made sure everything was prepared.  Figured out what to wear, what not to say/do, and made sure my look was spot on.  Had everything ready to go, and went out to the mailbox to get my check which is always there on Friday.

And that's when it happened.

No check.  No check meant no cash flow, and not enough on me to do anything tonight.  I was crushed.  I couldn't believe the ONE THING I had no concerns about getting in the way just stopped me dead in my tracks. 

I called my boss... there was apparently a sometimes a small delay processing them out and they should be there tomorrow.  It only happens maybe once every four to six months... and it happened the ONE TIME I needed the money on Friday.

I had nothing else I could do.  I called my date and told her I had to cancel.  She asked why... I told her the truth.  I asked her if/when we could reschedule...  she said she'd have to check her schedule and she'd get back to me.  She seemed apprehensive... either because she was also really looking forward to it, or because she wasn't planning on rescheduling now, I don't know which.  I guess I'll know in a few days right? 

Some days, some days, I get a little tired of having to pick myself back up off the mat. 

Update:  Yup, check showed up this morning, just like nothing was wrong. ::sigh, lol:: 

Yup, this just kinda sums it up pretty well.  Not much more to say on it except "goodbye."   Sorry it's not a "pretty video", but there doesn't seem to be one. 

So, as anyone who talked to me yesterday knows, I was in an unusual place last night.  I just had an incredible amount of energy pulsing through me.  And all of it was really, really happy... lol

I don't know where it came from.  I certainly wasn't asking for it to be there.  But, rather than trying to ground it away, I decided to let it develop and see where it was going. 

So... maybe not the best of ideas, but it turned out to not be the worst either.  Had some wonderful conversations at all levels wtih some wonderful people, managed to not permanently damage my phone (it stopped working at one point...)  and really haven't had that much energy in me in years.  It's intoxicating.  The Universe supplies the best drugs, I swear. 

The oddest thing was, near the end, I "slipped" and saw another room superimposed over mine.  Usually I can recognize surroundings ( even ones I've never visited before) when that happens, but this time, it was off, unfamiliar, almost like waking up and not knowing where I was or how I got there.  The room was pretty large, maybe 16 by 20-something... wooden or brown walls, a mirror on a dresser ( I couldn't make out any details but my own reflection) and a queensized or larger bed, with blue satin sheets.  Someone else was there, but the Universe decided I shouldn't know exactly who it was just yet ::LOL::  Tried to slip bakc into it again once I realized what was happening, but couldn't get more details than that.

Anyway, I had a wonderful evening, I hope others did too!

Update:  So yeah, looked in the mirror while shaving thismorning (which is something I just generally reccommend BTW)...  my eyes are back to full fire.  I might have to try to get a pic of them to show the difference (if it can), but yeah... I'm coming back up. A lot. 

So, now I can check my email AND my EP on my cell phone...  anytime... even when working....  this is SOOO  dangerous LOL

It's something I do.  I'm pretty competitive by nature, so I absolutely HATE being told "you CAN'T accomplish a goal."  Won't... okay, that one I can handle, but can't... it gets my ire up. 

I push myself to my limits, pretty regularly.  It's the best way to expand those limits.  But when it comes to all things romantic, it's a death knell.  I am lured to women who are too far away, too wealthy for me, physically out of my league, or too "damaged" to support a healthy relationship.  The trill of that case gets into me.  If it works, if it beats the odds, it will be amazing- that's what I keep telling myself.  Instead, it crashes and burns. 

And yet...  is it really wrong to reach?  Is it actually a bad thing to strive for that brass ring?  To reach for the stars?  The simple answer is "no."  The better answer is "no, but make sure you do your legwork.  Make sure you line up everything for the best chance of success, and are honest about just what those chances are."

I want something.  More than I should, most likely.  I really can't help it.  I tried to deny it, tried to push it away in my own mind.. and that only made the desire brighter.  Tendencies...

     I can see it now... I almost did.  I almost became just like the people that I've always pitied the most. 

     I've seen so many, so many people who have lost themselves, and lost the joy of living.  Given up their entire identity for someone else's ideal.  You can tell.  They smile with all the emotion of a porcelain doll, and their laughter rings hollow and emtpy.  Their eyes are vacant, the fire of youth and self-purpose all but extinguished.  They are no longer an individual, a "self", having instead fully given their identity over to become "the worker," 'the spouse," "the parent," "the caretaker," or any number of other faceless personae. 

     For six years, I loved Her above myself, above all others things but my Studies- and even that was slowed so that She would not feel left out or outpaced.  It was a slow transition, which is why in the moment I missed it happening.  It began with simple things.  Sacrificing where I was living to make it easier for Her to feel safe and secure.  Sacrificing a hobby and project (my classic car) because the commute was too far, and working any further on it would cost money needed elsewhere.  My retirement and savings needed to support us while She was still in school full time.  My circle of friends sliding away, one by one, as She disliked socializing with them.  One thing to another, to another... slowly, small things, an ounce of self disappearing unseen at a time.  In the end, there was only a flicker of flame left burning, and it burned quietly in frustration to all that had happened. 

     I struggled within myself.  I fought to continue to work on the relationship, convincing myself if I just kept trying, if I just gave it more time and new modes of expression, sooner or later She would understand, would realize what She meant to me, and would feel the same way towards me.  After all, how many times had She said I had saved her life, and She would not be alive had it not been for me?  I warned.  I begged.  I pleaded.  I fought.  I bribed.  I expressed.  I screamed in pain.  With each, there was nothing.  And with each attempt, with each time I failed to stand my ground and offered her one more time, I lost another ounce of myself. 

     I was in bondage of my own choosing.  I could not turn away, I had nothing left of myself to stand on.  In the end, when there was nothing left of self in me, She decided to end it.  She cast me aside homeless, penniless, and with nothing left of my own identity.  Nothing, to the point that the thought of losing Her drove me to the verge of taking my own life.  Those first forty-eight hours were dark, and I am thankful I was so pained that I was in a state of shock, for I feel it was the only thing which stayed my hand. 

     Yet in me, something stirred.  Embers, all but extinguished, began to rise.  A fire returned.  Slowly, at first, searching for fuel to sustain it.  Slowly, who I had been resurfaced.  Had I truly not been to a drum circle for five years?  Had I honestly not touched my drum in the last two?  How long had it been since I felt truly happy?  How long since I had fully felt the joys of the Universe reflect through me?  With each revelation, the fire grew.  With it, my power returned.  My identity.  My self.  My strength.  The fire returned to my eyes. 

     She unconsciously used me.  Unconsciously drained me slowly, day by precious day.  Unconsciously took from me as another had once taken from Her- another She despises and can never let go of.  And, oddly enough, in the very end, She unconsciously gave me the greatest gift She could:  freedom from Her. 

     I do not hold any anger at Her.  I only hold the love I have and will always carry for Her, and a deep pity for Her and what we could have been.  She knows not why She does what She does.  She may never grow enough to be able to know.  She will never truly know what She spurned, and how deep my love will always remain for Her.  For these reasons and so many others, I will always both cherish and pity Her. 

     Goodbye, Beloved.  My debts are paid to You.  I have given You all that was promised- a lifetime together, with every ounce of my being, ón tsaol seo go dtí an chéad saol eile.  What I promised, I have given.  My love for You shall never pass, but I will suffer for You no more. 

I push myself pretty hard...  those who know me personally will tell you I hokld myself ot a pretty high standard, because I believe I am cpable of maintaining that standard. 

I have been pushing myself physically a bit recently, excercising regularly plus having a 1.3 mile hike to work every day, each way.  due to a coworker's vacation and other "life issues", I haven't had a day off in about 12 days... which means 2.5 miles a day on top of excercising without allowing my body a break to heal.    This morning, it decided it wanted one.

I woke up weak.  It took me forever to claw my way out of bed, get a shower, and strecth out for the long walk.  Only about a quarter of the way in, I simply couldn't go on... my body was wracked, and it wanted to just stop. 

I had a duty, I had to get to work.  I forced myself to focus.  Forced myself to remember it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard oyu can get hit and get back up and keep fighting.  I forced one step.  And one step.  And one step, until I could begin breathing in rythm with my stride once again.  I persevered.

I'm not mad at Them for what They did.  Honestly.  I'm saddened that it came to it.  How bad a communication breakdown was that, that They could possibly be concerned I would pose a danger to them?  No, I'm not upset that They did what They needed to do in the end to feel safe and secure.  I'm upset that They didn't do what They needed to do to never get to that place in the first place.  After more than five years in a relationship, and after the sacrifices I have made and would be willing to continue to make for the both of Them, I feel I deserved a better resolution than the way it happened.  Still, I love Them both, and hopefully we'll be able to remain friends once calmer heads prevail. 

I've been very fortunate to find my new roommate, Paul.  He's an awesome guy.  Him and his partenr Francisco have been great helping me adjust, and helping me get things back on track again.  The second or third day I was here, Paul decided to change the lock b/c he never got the key back from his old roomer.  He couldn't remember my cell number, so he drove to where I work to give me a new key, saying "The last thing anyone needs it to be locked out of where they live two days in one week.  How awesome is that!

A lot has happened in the past week, and I'm sure it will take me a lot longer to sort it all out.

An odd sensation though has come up in my daily meditations...  I've always had a "tally sheet" of things I needed to do for others.  When I was growing up, it was taking care of my sister.  After my father died, it was taking care of my mom, and seeing my sister through college.  Shortly after Awakening, there was a flood of past duties owed to others in this lifetime.   For the past nearly two decades, I've worked on that list as the proper times for them arrived.  Now... as far as I can tell at the moment, there's nothing left, or at least nothing for the immediate future.

Freedom is a strange thing.  My entire current life up to this point has been lived for others.  It's not to say that I don't have things I enjoy doing, or that I don't take little times for myself once in a while...  but the driving focus of my life seems to be gone, or changing.  Granted, it's not as abruptly as having Awakened, but it is a marked change....  maybe like being let out of prison?

It's a new road, a new path on the journey.  The past seems distant now, even events from last week seem another lifetime ago in my mind.  A different me.  I contacted thw two wisest women I know, and both gave similar counsel (although one seemed reserved in her answer for some reason):  walk the path slowly, take the time to notice everything around you, and let the Universe guide me.  It's such an odd sensation, like being on vacation from work and feeling guilty that you're not doing something constructive. 

It doesn't feel like Coyote Road, and certainly isn't yet as painful as Wolf Road.  Paradox reigns.  I feel lonely, but know I'm not alone.  I feel separated, but can sense the thread that will connect me to some new greater whole.  There is something inside of me which I must cultivate, must develop more, to gain what I want....  I'm just not yet sure of what, or how.  Further meditations required.